If you are new here, welcome! My name is Grace and I am the creator and founder of Ashwōl Co! A little bit about me, I suffer from infertility and a rare brain disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. I started this company due to becoming unemployed due to my diagnosis, and since, I have put some pieces together as to why things have happened the way they have.
I am a mother to a little girl and the pregnancy and delivery I had with her sure was memorable but not in the fun way. My pregnancy consisted of redundant appointments and several hospital stays that led me to delivering 2 months early. My little girl was set to be delivered in late August per her due date but upon having seizures back-to-back on July 5th set me spiraling into full eclampsia, I had to have an emergency C-section delivery. I honestly don't remember much of anything from my pregnancy. I was also in a horrible relationship with a very lazy and un present partner. I am no longer affiliated, nor is my daughter's sperm donor present in her life. After relinquishing his rights to my, now husband, that part of my life is no longer relevant. My husband and I have actively been trying for a baby of our own for 3 years now. We both have underwent medical procedures and evaluations to determine the cause of the infertility with no real answers. We have 2 babies in heaven that I know in my heart I will meet one day but the lingering heart break and knowing that there is someone out there that I was never able to meet but loved with every ounce of my body is a feeling almost indescribable. And don't get me wrong, the daughter I do have, is my entire world. I would not be the person I am today without her. But the desire in my heart to be able to have a pregnancy where I physically glow and know that I will have a partner that will give his all for me and the baby is something I crave. I crave the feeling of holding a healthy baby in my womb and delivering under no pressure. But that word 'pressure' has never been more infecting in my life than right now. My diagnosis of IIH is due to pressure build up in my brain due to my body being unable to recycle brain fluid. It takes a toll on my whole body. And the part of my body I need the most to carry a child, my womb. My body physically can't handle the amount of pressure it already endures from my brain and when a baby is trying to use me as a temple, it's just not viable. And as my husband and I have already seen, leaving us in heartbreak from loss. I am constantly reminded of the story of Sarah and Abraham in the bible and God's overwhelming promises. I feel like Sarah in her times of loneliness and heartbreak. I understand I am not old, but I feel incapable. I feel unfit. I feel defeated. But as I read about Sarah and Abraham over and over again, I remember that MY God is so much bigger than any heart break or feat I encounter. God knows my heart, and He knows what I long for when no one is around.
Being able to give my daughter a sibling, and my husband a child is something my heart longs for. And as I have started this company, I will continue to thank God for the success and strength He gives me day in and day out. Treating my body as the temple God intended it to be. The words I speak, the actions, everything I will do in His name are all for His Glory.
As my evening is coming to a close, I would like to preach a prayer the Lord is giving me as I type for infertility...
Dear Most Beautiful High God,
We come to you in thanks today for allowing us to breath the sweet air You crafted and allowing us to live yet another day. We come to You with heavy hearts. We come to You with fear and anxiety and sadness and heartbreak. We know this is the work of the devil and You are stronger. You are stronger than any darkness, any depression, and any feat we will face, Lord. For the mother who has lost her child, the mother that never met her child, or the mother who has yet to carry any children, we come to You with arms open wide. We lay all of our burden and weakness at Your feet. We know that you can do all things, and that as a Father, You see your children. We believe Your own son died for each and every one of us and our sins. We will never be worthy of Your love, but today and on we give everything to You oh Heavenly Father. In the morning, we will praise You. In the evening, when our body is weak and ready to give up, we will praise You. Let us do all things for the Glory of You. We pray for healthy wombs, bodies, mind and soul for the preparation of carrying future God-fearing warriors. We pray for healthy pregnancies that complete term in Your Will. Lord, as we give it all to You, hear our prayers, and see our faith.
With love,
Your struggling daughters.
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